The Hidden Obsession Keeping You Stuck (And How to Break Free)

The Hidden Obsession Keeping You Stuck (And How to Break Free)

Have you ever found yourself obsessing over someone who isn’t treating you well? Maybe they’re emotionally unavailable, don’t commit, or have even hurt you in the past, but you still can’t shake the feelings. You keep replaying memories, hoping they’ll come around, and fantasising about a future together.

If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing limerence—an obsessive, often unhealthy attachment to someone that feels like love but is rooted in something much deeper.

In this post, I’m going to explain what limerence is, why it happens, and most importantly, how to break free from this emotional cycle. If you’ve been stuck in this pattern, there is hope. Let’s dive in.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is an intense, often overwhelming state of obsession with another person. It’s characterised by intrusive thoughts, an idealisation of the other person, and a constant desire for reciprocation of feelings that may not exist, or may never have existed.

The key difference between limerence and genuine love is that limerence is largely driven by a need to feel validated or desired, rather than a healthy, mutual connection.

You might recognise signs like:

• Constantly thinking about the person, even when they’re not around.

• Romanticising everything about them, even the red flags.

• Feeling a rush of excitement when you get a text or hear from them—but feeling crushed when they pull away.

• A deep sense of longing, often mixed with anxiety or obsession.

These signs can be confusing because, in the early stages, limerence can feel like infatuation or true love. But it’s important to recognise that limerence is a trauma response. It often stems from deeper emotional wounds or unmet needs for love and validation.

Why Do We Experience Limerence?

Limerence often develops in response to unmet emotional needs, especially from childhood. When we don’t receive the love, care, or attention we crave early on, we can end up seeking it from others in unhealthy ways. The desire to feel chosen or wanted becomes a driving force, and limerence is born.

It can also be tied to trauma bonds. If you’ve experienced an emotionally manipulative or abusive relationship, you might find yourself caught in a cycle where the highs of receiving crumbs of attention from someone feel addictive. It’s a toxic pattern where love feels like a game of “chase”—always running after something you can never truly have.

Even if you’ve ended a toxic relationship, limerence can hold on. Your mind continues to crave the validation or excitement, keeping you emotionally attached to someone who doesn’t deserve your energy.

How to Overcome Limerence:

Here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle. With awareness, intentional action, and a commitment to healing, you can break free from limerence and build a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

Here’s how to start:

1. Recognise It’s Limerence, Not Love

The first step in healing is awareness. Limerence isn’t love—it’s obsession. It’s rooted in emotional wounds that need to be healed. Once you recognise this, you can begin to separate the fantasy from the reality.

2. Create Healthy Boundaries

If you’re still in contact with the person you’re obsessed with, it’s crucial to create boundaries. This may involve cutting contact or blocking them on social media. Even if it feels painful in the short-term, it’s necessary for your healing.

3. Rewrite the Narrative

When you’re stuck in limerence, it’s easy to romanticise the past. But this fantasy is not the reality. Start journaling about what actually happened—free yourself from the idealisation. Write out the facts: what were the red flags? How did they treat you? Ground yourself in the truth.

4. Focus on Healing Your Self-Worth

A big reason we get stuck in limerence is because we’re seeking validation from outside ourselves. Reclaim your sense of self-worth. Take time to rediscover who you are outside of the fantasy. Do inner work to heal past wounds and learn to validate and love yourself first.

5. Work with a Coach or Therapist

If you’ve been stuck in limerence for a long time, it can be really helpful to work with someone who can guide you through the process. As a Toxic Relationship Recovery Coach, I help women release trauma bonds, heal their self-worth, and break free from the patterns that keep them stuck in unhealthy cycles.

Final Thoughts:

If you’re struggling with limerence, know that it’s a normal response to emotional pain—but it doesn’t have to control your life. By recognising the signs, setting boundaries, and doing the inner work, you can break free from the obsession and begin healing.

It’s time to take your power back.

Ready to break free from limerence and create the life and love you deserve?

• Take the “Was My Ex a Narc?” quiz to uncover the truth behind your past relationship.

• Listen to my latest podcast episode on limerence and how to heal.

• Or book a free Empowerment Session to learn how I can support you on your healing journey.